this page revolves around and depicts suicide, overdose, involuntary hospitalization, borderline splitting, psychotic breaks, and other related issues. continue at your own risk.

i don't like to say i attempted suicide. it's not that i tried and failed--i committed the act of suicide, and then decided to live after.

i dislike the language of 'failed', 'attempted,' or 'incomplete' suicide, because it implies suicide is only complete if it kills you. it implies the goal is to die--which it rarely is. dying is the plan, not the endgame.

a change of plans isn't a failed plan. my goal was the same. my means of achieving it was what changed.

and i decided pretty much immediately that dying wasn't the best way to achieve it.

like most suicides, mine was impulsive. like most people who are legally female's suicides, mine was through a non-violent method--overdose. that, by the way, is a huge part of why more "men" die to suicide. they tend towards gorier methods, like gunshot, that are less reversible.

an overdose is very reversible in comparison, and with a lot more time to change your mind.

i actually chose what to overdose on with the intent to give myself time to change my mind. i had access to SSRIs and stimulants, both of which could have killed me faster, but i didn't want to die of a heart attack or seizure. plus, i knew i wasn't making a good decision, i was making a desperate one. so my sleep medication, which gave me at least half an hour before it began to absorb, was much better for that.

lo and behold, five seconds after swallowing, i was picking up my phone to dial 9-1-1.

i didn't take the call myself--i was extremely panicky and out of it. one of my headmates did instead.

what came directly after doesn't really matter. i was in the ER for about 24 hours, on suicide watch for ten days, went home, and wasn't allowed to drive or go out alone for about a month.

after that, i was put in IOP, and in three or so months, became the most mentally healthy i've been in my life. a large part of it was group art therapy, which was perfect for me. i discovered a deep love of glitter that led me to make some extremely cathartic work, and discovered what aesthetics helped me process best. apparently, my post-overdose processing was best matched with bimbocore, menhera, yami kawaii, and sparkles.